New Ducktales, Season One, Episode Fifteen: "Something something white agony something"

Well, I guess I ought to keep up with Ducktales, regardless of how much I'm feeling it (but, I often wonder: why?).

I don't think it's just the Three Caballeros influence: I'm pretty sure I would've fucking hated this episode regardless of anything else. As we open, Scrooge is stealing food from Glomgold's party like some kind of hobo. Then, yeah, WHATEVER, Goldie appears, looking unreasonably young thanks to some guff about a fountain of youth ("she's my ex," says Scrooge, shattering all ambiguity or subtlety). And her first line is: "Please, Scrooge, I wouldn't steal from children, unless they had something I really wanted, or unless I was bored, or..." There are different ways to portray the character. She's different than Barks in Rosa and different than Rosa in Original Ducktales. And she's different here, too. In a way I hate.

In her second OD appearance, the show was able to get away with a surprise TWIST ENDING. Once. But now that ending is apparently her whole personality. It's just so overdetermined and lazy, and I guess we're supposed to find their love-hate relationship appealing, but WOW do I ever not. "How could you do this to me?" "Because I'm Goldie O'Gilt." Okay, COOL, I'll stop hoping for anything more interesting. Of course, that follows on the heels of "Wait, but how?" "I'm Scrooge McDuck!" when Scrooge does something completely impossible, because, ha ha, why should we bother with good writing when we can just rely on the laziest possible postmodern irony? Oh, and sorry, but that "we were stuck in a glacier for five years" thing is too dumb to tolerate. I know they were going for "dumb in a self-aware way," but they just got stuck at "dumb."

Oh, and I guess it's a bit overshadowed by the dumbness of the Scrooge/Goldie thing, but Glomgold is also at his absolute worst here, worthless in a way that makes it completely impossible to understand how he could ever have gotten rich. Though I guess we DO have a prominent counter-example in our current discourse. Sorry to ruin a perfectly good rant with an allusion to politics.

That's neither here nor there, though. The point is, FUCK THIS EPISODE.

The Legend of the Three Caballeros, Episode Two: "Labyrinth and Repeat"

The one obvious thing that I should've mentioned last time: whatever else you want to say about this show compared to New Ducktales, my goodness it LOOKS so much better. I mean, good on them for trying a new look with Ducktales, I guess, but the results...ain't great. I really, really appreciate the traditional look on display here, and also just how...non-ironic it is, mostly. April May and June (who again play a very small role here) add a little of that millennial feel, but not, so far, an intolerable amount. Their character designs look very Quack-Pack-esque, but thankfully, they are nothing like the nephews in that show. We'll see what role they actually serve, but there is definitely something to be said for having female characters like this at all. It would've been easy to just put HDL in here, but I think and hope that going in this other direction is a bold choice that will pay off. We shall see!

Anyway. As people noted in the comments last time, yes, obviously, these characters--José especially--are indeed well-rooted in Brazilian comics, especially. It's easy to see why, too; it's gotta be pretty cool to see a native son rise to prominence like that. But...I think it's still fair to say that, from the original movie, there's no particular reason, other than geographical interest, why these characters should be anything, and in any case, this cartoon is definitely introducing them to a new audience, so it has work to do. I'm not sure it quite has yet, but I'm optimistic.

RIGHT. So the warrior woman is "Zandra, Goddess of Adventure," and she takes our heroes off to do labyrinth stuff with a minotaur while she sits on a beach and gets quietly smashed on piña coladas. It's pretty fun (and I like the way the Three Caballeros theme appears as instrumental music while they're Learning To Work As A Team™). I must admit, I kind of zoned out when Zandra was presenting the backstory: I feel like it's sort of contrary to the spirit and honestly not that interesting to me to ground the Three Caballeros in actual...context, as opposed to the zany anarchism that they represented in the original. I suppose it was inevitable, though. It's okay! Maybe I'm still just high on the novelty, but I AM enjoying this, more than New Ducktales. We shall see what we see!

Oh, and more of Ari the Aracuan Bird, please! He is deeee-lightful, but we only get a small glimpse of him in this one.

The Legend of the Three Caballeros, Episode One: "Dope-a-Cabana"

Okay, the latest Ducktales episode is forthcoming, but somehow, I felt it was more urgent to get on THIS. I feel like I'm going insane: I JUST THIS MINUTE PRACTICALLY hear about this Three Caballeros show, and now bam, here it is? Wha?!? And it's Philippines-exclusive for the time being? Guh? Well, it IS true that after a fulfilling day of executing drug users, I like nothing more to sit down to some Disney cartoons. That was an unfair thing of me to say. But it's too late, dernit.

So anyway, the extent to which I'm able to cover this show is really strongly dependent on the extent to which I'm able to illicitly find episodes online. But I DO have the first and second, thanks to tip-offs from Pan Miluś, so let's take a look, shall we?

As I may or may not have mentioned at some point in the past, I'm a big of fan of The Three Caballeros. Psychedelic craziness to the max. I don't have anything against contemporary Disney movies, in particular (though I will never stop mourning their abandonment of cel-shaded-style "2-D"), but it is entirely impossible to picture them making such a willfully experimental, almost avant-garde movie these days.

Just the same, you have to think: it's not as though anyone watching the movie is a huge fan of José Carioca (the days of calling him "Joe" seem pretty definitively over) or Panchito Pistoles. I mean, why would you be? The characters really aren't the point. So what's the use? Don Rosa wrote his caballeros stories on the basis that Donald needed friends, a laudable instinct I guess, but as characters themselves, per se? Questionable.

So here's what happens here: Donald alienates Daisy by standing her up and loses his job as a barber (spare that hair!) when he gives a bad haircut to a kid whose mother appears to be Pete in drag. And then his house burns down, no thanks to the zany firemen who do nothing but hit stuff with axes (which is actually pretty darned funny). Boy, life's tough all over, eh?

But then! He learns that his great-grandfather Clinton Coot(!!!) has died, and he's inherited property. Or co-inherited it with José and Panchito, for reasons that may become clear. Oh, and the manager is the ever-popular Aracuan Bird, referred to as, I think, "Ari." Also, April May and June are there. And a crazy warrior woman is summoned! To be continued.

Yup, the episode is basically just setting up. It's difficult, so far, to get much of a bead on the characters they've introduced. About all you can say is that José is kinda louche, Panchito is crazy, and Ari is crazier (but in a very appealing way, I thought). And April May and June...well, possibly similar to the nephews in new Ducktales, but I'm hoping with slightly less millennial snark. At first I thought, huh, it's pretty darned strange to have these three appear outta nowhere, but then I thought, why the heck NOT? But, even compared to the other new characters, they really, really do next to nothing here, so it's difficult to say anything definitive.

I actually liked this a lot. It's fun, and--so far, at least--it lacks the kind of obnoxious jokiness that you often get in New Ducktales. The novelty is fun, and the comix references (in addition to Clinton Coot, there's a picture of Donald's parents) feel less pandering than they do in that OTHER show. Let us hope that it receives a US release very soon.

New Ducktales, Season One, Episode Fourteen: "Jaw$"

Well wouldja look at me—watching Ducktales episodes in a more or less timely fashion, like some kind of pro.

Right, so this is the one where Lena plants a jewel in the Money Bin that turns into a bigass money shark named Tiffany and starts eating everyone right and left, and we finally hear Magica talk (did we hear her before? Probably, but this is the first extended interaction), and it’s designed to get the dime, but ultimately Lena decides that Friendship Is Magic and Magica’s plot is foiled. But Lena must obey her if she wants her freedom! OMFuckingG!

It certainly seems to be the case that Lena livens these episodes the hell up. This was definitely the best one in a while, even if the subplot about Scrooge’s PR effort is a bit weak. The shark is basically impressive and cool-looking and creative. End of story.

“Lena conflicted” is probably the best part of the show as a whole because it feels like a serious thing with serious stakes. And I like it; I really do. I will say, though, that it’s not clear how long they can actually keep stringing this plotline along before it just starts getting HELLA repetitive.

There’s a more serious problem, though: I’m not a fan of the idea that Lena’s being *coerced* into working for Magica because, to repeat myself, she wants her FREEDOM. If it’s not actually because of an internal conflict between good and evil that she’s having, her conflictedness feels a lot less resonant and interesting. Seems like the show kinda pulling its punches in terms of moral ambiguity. Which, perhaps, is inevitable for a kids’ show, but still…eh. I’m having a premonition that this may not end up resolved in a way that I find notably satisfying, but we’ll see.

Also: Treasures of the Last Lamp reference: the spellbook Webby pulls out is called the “Grimoire du Merlock.” So that’s…a thing.