Thursday, September 22, 2011

Ducktales, Season Three, Episode Fourteen: "The Bride Wore Stripes"

You know, I'm pretty sure you people who've already seen all these episodes can by now more or less predict what my reaction's going to be to a given episode--so what the hell do you think I thought of "The Bride Wore Stripes?" I was seriously considering just making this entry a long string of disconnected profanity, but fuck it--let's try to do this. Sigh.

Actually, there is one good thing about it: when some Beagle comments that Ma "sure [has] been on edge lately," she respond with what sounds for all the world--I replayed it a half dozen times--like "Well, what do you expect--after living in this rat shit all these years!" Another good thing that's at least related to the episode: in comments on youtube you can hear some dude elaborating on his desire to fuck Ma Beagle. So that's very edifying.

But oh gawd…the idea is that Ma Beagle comes up with a plan to convince everyone that she's married to Scrooge, so that she can divorce him and take half his stuff. She does this by the brilliant strategy of posing in the background of photographs in which he's holding cards and flowers for Mrs. Beakley's birthday. By this brilliant expedient, she gets a judge to confirm that they're legally married and then there are bits with her and her sons running amuck in Scrooge's mansion that make me want to vomit with rage at the sheer idiocy.

So Scrooge tries to get rid of her by, uh, forcing her to do housework and cooking and stuff. How can he force her to do anything? Shut up, that's how. When she rises to the challenge, he comes up with the brilliant plan of faking his own death-by-drowning in the Money Bin; this causes the cops to suspect her of murder, even though he manifestly "drowned" all by himself right there on the surveillance camera, and this causes her to confess that the two of them aren't really married.

Dismal, just dismal. Bottom-ten material, for sure. Dammit, Ducktales. Your episode's bad and you should feel bad.

Stray Observations

-"If I were married, my wife would own half my fortune! And if she ever divorced me, she'd take half of it with her!" No such thing as a prenuptial agreement in Calisota, then?

-I was sort of okay with Ma Beagle at first. After this extended exposure to her…not so much anymore.

-Also, Burger: he's easily the worst of them. He appears to be literally mentally disabled. Fuck you for thinking this is funny, Ducktales! And I don't mean that in some sorta political-correctness-type way, either (although I'm not insensitive to such concerns). I mean it in a "this is stupid and lazy and not even slightly funny and it ruins the Beagle Boys and I hate you all" way.


  1. I say that Ma Beagle slipped the corrupt owl judge five bucks to get him to rule in her favor.

    I know that Scrooge is a tightwad, but you'd think that he'd bring his lawyer TO THE COURTROOM WITH HIM! It really reinforces the "a man who is his own attorney..." dictum.

    I remember in at least one murder mystery that a death by drowning occurred by the victim being poisoned shortly before he swam, so the cramps made him drown. Since Scrooge was known to be an expert money-swimmer, it's not unreasonable that he might have been doped and thereby murdered.

  2. Maybe--but you'd think that she'd be confident enough about her chances that she still wouldn't give the game away, given that she knows she didn't actually do it.

  3. "How can he force her to do anything?"

    Well acording to the Quran as His whife she is obligated to obay requests her husband...