New Ducktales, Season One, Episode Fifteen: "Something something white agony something"

Well, I guess I ought to keep up with Ducktales, regardless of how much I'm feeling it (but, I often wonder: why?).

I don't think it's just the Three Caballeros influence: I'm pretty sure I would've fucking hated this episode regardless of anything else. As we open, Scrooge is stealing food from Glomgold's party like some kind of hobo. Then, yeah, WHATEVER, Goldie appears, looking unreasonably young thanks to some guff about a fountain of youth ("she's my ex," says Scrooge, shattering all ambiguity or subtlety). And her first line is: "Please, Scrooge, I wouldn't steal from children, unless they had something I really wanted, or unless I was bored, or..." There are different ways to portray the character. She's different than Barks in Rosa and different than Rosa in Original Ducktales. And she's different here, too. In a way I hate.

In her second OD appearance, the show was able to get away with a surprise TWIST ENDING. Once. But now that ending is apparently her whole personality. It's just so overdetermined and lazy, and I guess we're supposed to find their love-hate relationship appealing, but WOW do I ever not. "How could you do this to me?" "Because I'm Goldie O'Gilt." Okay, COOL, I'll stop hoping for anything more interesting. Of course, that follows on the heels of "Wait, but how?" "I'm Scrooge McDuck!" when Scrooge does something completely impossible, because, ha ha, why should we bother with good writing when we can just rely on the laziest possible postmodern irony? Oh, and sorry, but that "we were stuck in a glacier for five years" thing is too dumb to tolerate. I know they were going for "dumb in a self-aware way," but they just got stuck at "dumb."

Oh, and I guess it's a bit overshadowed by the dumbness of the Scrooge/Goldie thing, but Glomgold is also at his absolute worst here, worthless in a way that makes it completely impossible to understand how he could ever have gotten rich. Though I guess we DO have a prominent counter-example in our current discourse. Sorry to ruin a perfectly good rant with an allusion to politics.

That's neither here nor there, though. The point is, FUCK THIS EPISODE.

The Legend of the Three Caballeros, Episode Two: "Labyrinth and Repeat"

The one obvious thing that I should've mentioned last time: whatever else you want to say about this show compared to New Ducktales, my goodness it LOOKS so much better. I mean, good on them for trying a new look with Ducktales, I guess, but the results...ain't great. I really, really appreciate the traditional look on display here, and also just how...non-ironic it is, mostly. April May and June (who again play a very small role here) add a little of that millennial feel, but not, so far, an intolerable amount. Their character designs look very Quack-Pack-esque, but thankfully, they are nothing like the nephews in that show. We'll see what role they actually serve, but there is definitely something to be said for having female characters like this at all. It would've been easy to just put HDL in here, but I think and hope that going in this other direction is a bold choice that will pay off. We shall see!

Anyway. As people noted in the comments last time, yes, obviously, these characters--José especially--are indeed well-rooted in Brazilian comics, especially. It's easy to see why, too; it's gotta be pretty cool to see a native son rise to prominence like that. But...I think it's still fair to say that, from the original movie, there's no particular reason, other than geographical interest, why these characters should be anything, and in any case, this cartoon is definitely introducing them to a new audience, so it has work to do. I'm not sure it quite has yet, but I'm optimistic.

RIGHT. So the warrior woman is "Zandra, Goddess of Adventure," and she takes our heroes off to do labyrinth stuff with a minotaur while she sits on a beach and gets quietly smashed on piña coladas. It's pretty fun (and I like the way the Three Caballeros theme appears as instrumental music while they're Learning To Work As A Team™). I must admit, I kind of zoned out when Zandra was presenting the backstory: I feel like it's sort of contrary to the spirit and honestly not that interesting to me to ground the Three Caballeros in actual...context, as opposed to the zany anarchism that they represented in the original. I suppose it was inevitable, though. It's okay! Maybe I'm still just high on the novelty, but I AM enjoying this, more than New Ducktales. We shall see what we see!

Oh, and more of Ari the Aracuan Bird, please! He is deeee-lightful, but we only get a small glimpse of him in this one.

The Legend of the Three Caballeros, Episode One: "Dope-a-Cabana"

Okay, the latest Ducktales episode is forthcoming, but somehow, I felt it was more urgent to get on THIS. I feel like I'm going insane: I JUST THIS MINUTE PRACTICALLY hear about this Three Caballeros show, and now bam, here it is? Wha?!? And it's Philippines-exclusive for the time being? Guh? Well, it IS true that after a fulfilling day of executing drug users, I like nothing more to sit down to some Disney cartoons. That was an unfair thing of me to say. But it's too late, dernit.

So anyway, the extent to which I'm able to cover this show is really strongly dependent on the extent to which I'm able to illicitly find episodes online. But I DO have the first and second, thanks to tip-offs from Pan Miluś, so let's take a look, shall we?

As I may or may not have mentioned at some point in the past, I'm a big of fan of The Three Caballeros. Psychedelic craziness to the max. I don't have anything against contemporary Disney movies, in particular (though I will never stop mourning their abandonment of cel-shaded-style "2-D"), but it is entirely impossible to picture them making such a willfully experimental, almost avant-garde movie these days.

Just the same, you have to think: it's not as though anyone watching the movie is a huge fan of José Carioca (the days of calling him "Joe" seem pretty definitively over) or Panchito Pistoles. I mean, why would you be? The characters really aren't the point. So what's the use? Don Rosa wrote his caballeros stories on the basis that Donald needed friends, a laudable instinct I guess, but as characters themselves, per se? Questionable.

So here's what happens here: Donald alienates Daisy by standing her up and loses his job as a barber (spare that hair!) when he gives a bad haircut to a kid whose mother appears to be Pete in drag. And then his house burns down, no thanks to the zany firemen who do nothing but hit stuff with axes (which is actually pretty darned funny). Boy, life's tough all over, eh?

But then! He learns that his great-grandfather Clinton Coot(!!!) has died, and he's inherited property. Or co-inherited it with José and Panchito, for reasons that may become clear. Oh, and the manager is the ever-popular Aracuan Bird, referred to as, I think, "Ari." Also, April May and June are there. And a crazy warrior woman is summoned! To be continued.

Yup, the episode is basically just setting up. It's difficult, so far, to get much of a bead on the characters they've introduced. About all you can say is that José is kinda louche, Panchito is crazy, and Ari is crazier (but in a very appealing way, I thought). And April May and June...well, possibly similar to the nephews in new Ducktales, but I'm hoping with slightly less millennial snark. At first I thought, huh, it's pretty darned strange to have these three appear outta nowhere, but then I thought, why the heck NOT? But, even compared to the other new characters, they really, really do next to nothing here, so it's difficult to say anything definitive.

I actually liked this a lot. It's fun, and--so far, at least--it lacks the kind of obnoxious jokiness that you often get in New Ducktales. The novelty is fun, and the comix references (in addition to Clinton Coot, there's a picture of Donald's parents) feel less pandering than they do in that OTHER show. Let us hope that it receives a US release very soon.

New Ducktales, Season One, Episode Fourteen: "Jaw$"

Well wouldja look at me—watching Ducktales episodes in a more or less timely fashion, like some kind of pro.

Right, so this is the one where Lena plants a jewel in the Money Bin that turns into a bigass money shark named Tiffany and starts eating everyone right and left, and we finally hear Magica talk (did we hear her before? Probably, but this is the first extended interaction), and it’s designed to get the dime, but ultimately Lena decides that Friendship Is Magic and Magica’s plot is foiled. But Lena must obey her if she wants her freedom! OMFuckingG!

It certainly seems to be the case that Lena livens these episodes the hell up. This was definitely the best one in a while, even if the subplot about Scrooge’s PR effort is a bit weak. The shark is basically impressive and cool-looking and creative. End of story.

“Lena conflicted” is probably the best part of the show as a whole because it feels like a serious thing with serious stakes. And I like it; I really do. I will say, though, that it’s not clear how long they can actually keep stringing this plotline along before it just starts getting HELLA repetitive.

There’s a more serious problem, though: I’m not a fan of the idea that Lena’s being *coerced* into working for Magica because, to repeat myself, she wants her FREEDOM. If it’s not actually because of an internal conflict between good and evil that she’s having, her conflictedness feels a lot less resonant and interesting. Seems like the show kinda pulling its punches in terms of moral ambiguity. Which, perhaps, is inevitable for a kids’ show, but still…eh. I’m having a premonition that this may not end up resolved in a way that I find notably satisfying, but we’ll see.

Also: Treasures of the Last Lamp reference: the spellbook Webby pulls out is called the “Grimoire du Merlock.” So that’s…a thing.

New Ducktales, Season One, Episode Thirteen: "McMystery at McDuck McManor"

Duckworth was dead, to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that. And so on. I don't know how to drag this gag out without it quickly getting boring.

But check it out: four episodes in four days! What a Herculean (Storkulean?) feat!

So there's a party for Scrooge but then he disappears what happened to him?!? And then his ghost butler appears. Well...granted, having both Duckworth AND Mrs Beakley was a bit redundant, I suppose. I have no strong feelings about this development.

I just feel like this episode was weirdly insubstantial. Like, for most of its runtime, it seemed like it was still revving up, and then you realize no, this is it, and then the Duckworth reveal seemed to make less impression than I felt like it should have. MOST ODD. I really don't have any strong feelings about this whole thing. But it was DEFINITELY twenty-two minutes. I will say that for it.

Okay, I'll admit that Mark Beaks isn't THAT bad. I mean, not compared to the competition, certainly. I thought it was kind of pointless weird and confusing to have the Beagle be named "Blackheart." I mean JEEZ, you try to pander to comics fans, but then you do things that are just kind of disorienting in the context of the comics. Blah, I say!

You know what I want them to do? Bring back Lena. Her plotline is really the only thing I'm at all invested in in this series, and it's been how long?

New Ducktales, Season One, Episode Twelve: "The Missing Links of Moorshire"

I went to a driving range once. It was in Jakarta. I went with another teacher and a student, and boy, it was an extremely quick realization that regular golf is not remotely like miniature golf. I basically hated it. But that's neither here nor there! In this episode, the fellas play golf, and then they play golf in a fantasy world because reasons and that's that, plotwise!

Actually, there was a lot to like in this one. The business with Scrooge feeling threatened by Dewey's prowess was a very good character thing, and and Huey's and Launchpad's commentary was pretty darned delightful. Mind you, Glomgold was as useless a character as ever, and the Ponies Who Dream Only Of Murder were more amusing in theory than in practice (I guess they were voiced by actual My Little Pony actresses? DON'T TELL ME I DON'T WANT TO KNOW). But hey! It's all good. It was light and frivolous, and as you can tell from the length of this entry, I have almost nothing to say about it, and that is OKAY. Um. The end.

New Ducktales, Season One, Episode Eleven: "Beware the B.U.D.D.Y. System"

Well, I definitely didn't expect it to start by being an episode of Darkwing Duck, so points for that, I guess, with Quackerjack, Megavolt, and the water one whose name I don't remember because he was never much of a character robbing a bank. It's a bit jarring that the character designs aren't updated to match the outside show, but maybe that's supposed to be the point. Hard to say. Then, metaphysical tomfoolery as it turns out it's just a show Dewey's watching, and apparently in this world Darkwing is a character played by "Jim Starling." Very...something. Well, it's fine. I'm sure this will all be elaborated upon in the future. And if you thought "goodness, I wonder when they'll try to give Launchpad depth and also introduce Fenton and also bring back Mark Beaks cause why not I guess" then it's definitely the episode for you. Anyway, Launchpad has to race against Beaks' robot so as not to get replaced, and the robot, whose name I cannot be arsed to go back and look up but BUDDY is the acronym, turns evil and only Gizmoduck can save the day. WHOO HOO.

Yeah. The Launchpad stuff, where he wants to be appreciated and not fired and replaced with a robot, is all right, I guess. A bit too reminiscent of that bad original-ducktales space episode, but they steer clear of egregious dumbness in this one. Also, I really like Fenton and the way the two of them bond, although I must say, Lin-Manuel Miranda doesn't make much of an impact. I mean, he's not bad or anything, but nor does it feel like there was any real reason for this stunt-casting. I like Hamilton fine, but I never would've known it was him if I weren't told. Also, I'm all for diversity and I don't object to the character having a Hispanic last name, but it does feel a bit arbitrary. Welp, let's hope they're able to use the character well in the future. He had some of the best episodes in the original show, so don't let us down!

What else? Gyro is, I guess, less objectionable than he was in his first appearance, though still not in any way similar to his original character. Mark Beaks is WHATEVER. The episode as whole was fine; I definitely liked it a lot better than the last one, even if my socks remain definitively in the on position.